Neither presidential candidates have designated their running mate yet, and the American public anxiously awaits the choices that will be made by Messieurs McCain and Obama. There are many thoughts and wishes on who each should choose to balance out their ticket and win the white house for their party, and I would like to offer up my suggestion on this important topic as well.

I’m not sure whether either candidate or perhaps both have already contacted Mr. Christopher Cross about being their running mate, but the one who successfully woos him will be the one who makes the best choice and basically negates the need for any election at all. I’m kind of thinking Obama should grab him cause if McCain does it’ll be pretty much the whitest ticket ever imagined. You may have picked up that I’ve been on a Christopher Cross kick given a line in my last post (click here to read that blog posting), but such a worthy Vice Presidential candidate deserves this attention.

Although simply picking any former Grammy winner at random would be seen by many as a step in the right direction for the leadership of this country, it is not the fact that Christopher Cross won 5 Grammys in 1981 and an Oscar for Best Original Song the same year that makes him highly qualified. The reasons are many and profound:

• His sound geographical knowledge is conveyed through the line “and I’ve got such a long way to go to make it to the border of Mexico” in the song “Ride Like The Wind”. This knowledge is imperative in returning the US to prominence in effective foreign policy, although to make the song more current he may want to change this lyric to “And hopefully I won’t get diptheria when I unveil my vision for a peaceful middle east next month in Lebanon then Syria”.
• Extensive naval experience and fuel conscientiousness displayed by the song “Sailing” will ensure a strong homeland and sound energy policies by expanding the use of wind-powered transportation and the songs written about them.
• The lyric I mentioned in my last post from “Arthur’s Theme” about being “…between the moon and new york city” is indicative that he realizes the importance of keeping America at the forefront of the space race. He will pursue this policy benevolently though as under his oversight should someone become caught in this realm between new york and earth’s moon, the best they can do is fall in love as the song indicates. The worst they can do is get caught between the moon and Canada which is like being caught between two places that are both really empty.
• Hello, his last name is “Cross” which means shoring up support from much-courted evangelicals and other Christian organizations will be a done deal.
• Though Ronald Reagan received credit for bringing down communism in the 80’s, it was actually a CIA operation which convinced Mikhail Gorbachev that he was for whom the song “Swept Away” was written that led to the dissolution of the U.S.S.R. If someone convinced me that I inspired them to write the line “seeing my tomorrows in your eyes, I was swept away” I’d probably lose control too, I mean we’re all human.
• If elected, he has promised to record an up-beat adult contemporary rendition of the national anthem with Michael McDonald singing backup that will be free for every red blooded American to download on iTunes. Suck it, Radiohead.

I feel that I need not continue at this point as the case presented is infallible. It’s alright, I think we’re going to make it.

It’s been done many times. Boy goes to bar with friends hoping to have a good time. Boy sees girl, also there for good time, and has interest in meeting girl for possibly insightful discussion and perhaps physical contact later, or even conveyance of contact details so that physical contact might occur after no more than 3 dates. If it doesn’t happen by the 3rd date, then she is probably of higher morality which will lead to uncomfortable discussions when you forward her that eVite for the Traci Lords retrospective film festival & nachos party at your buddy Dan’s house next Saturday which will be he perfect occasion for you to wear your “Born for Porn” t-shirt.

But I digest.

So, we’ve all done or said things that we look back on and try to shake out of our heads like Scientologists to Thetans. Get ‘em, Tom! It was with amusement, however, that I recently overheard something in public which made me go “Ah, yes, there are douches walking among us”. There I was, somewhere between a turtle shell mounted on the establishment’s walls and its pool table, which was not nearly as cool a place as between the moon and New York city as it turns out. Within earshot, a young man mustered his courage and briefly left his group of friends by about 5 feet, (equaling the maximum distance he achieved between himself and his mother in the first 22 years of his life) and approached two females with caution. His discourse to them was as follows:

“Is one of your wearing coconut, cause it smells like coconut, and I really hope it’s not this guy (points to friend behind him).”

This line was as well respected by its recipients as intellectual property rights are by the Chinese, because my friends, it was a clear sign of douchery.

Let’s be clear here, at least the guy tried. There’s really no magic bullet when it comes to such male/female social engagement. I thought I might have had it when I began employing the ice-breaker “Hi, my name is David and I enjoy blogging, snogging, and demagoguing”, but I too was mistaken. Sometimes, regardless of what your parents have told you, it is better not to try if your efforts are going to be comical though. I learned this the hard way when I auditioned to be Oprah’s stunt double in the movie The Color Purple.

See, the problem is, people lie. I’m sure he read an article in GQ or Maxim about the best pickup lines and dutifully memorized them, clearing space in his memory by letting go of all those lines from Wedding Crashers he had been remembering on purpose. He was assured that this was the type of witty comment women indicate they are amiable to (but actually laugh to themselves about), however he had been bamboozled. No insightful discussions ensued, no physical contact was delivered, no contact details were exchanged. In return for his efforts, he instead received a few uncomfortable words and then experienced a non-triumphant return to the group from which he was perhaps the bravest, but at least at that moment, also the largest douche. The females, once clear in conveying their lack of desire for this individual’s company, resumed their discussion of whether or not the song “Horse With No Name” was a metaphor of man’s search for meaning in an existence he doesn’t always comprehend, or perhaps if it was a veiled protest of the U.S.’s wayward foreign policy in the early 70’s, with irony accentuated by the song coming from a British band named “America”.

Maybe it was the females who were the douches (someone please come up with a word that can be the female equivalent of “douche”), ruining the hopes of a young man who had donned his nicest The North Face pull-over that night because 70% of the people’s apparel choice can’t be wrong. Would it have been so hard for them to play along? Maybe they could have spun it back on him and replied with “Clearly you’ve never been near a woman who wears anything by Victoria’s Secret cause this is “Dream Angels” and the only fruits I smell are indeed you and your friends.” Either way, whether it was completely deserved or not, the showing of this sign of douchery left our subject defeated and searching for another girl who might look as though she smelled of coconut.

You can lead a hick to quality lagers, but you can’t make him drink them. It was with great interest I read today that Anheuser-Busch rejected a buyout offer by InBev, makers of Stella Artois and Beck’s. InBev’s offer of $65 per share was seen as too low by Anheuser-Busch whose customers were too concerned with how they would scrape enough rent money together at this point in the month than to care about mergers and acquisitions. I also find it ironic that of the two companies, it is the one representative of working-class America that has the more aristocratic European sounding name. That, my friends, is what you call “marketing”. Had the makers of Budweiser chosen a more appropriate name for their company instead, it likely would have been called “Melvin”.

InBev indicated it was still willing to discuss its bid with Anheuser-Busch who seemed reluctant to admit that it wanted to speak openly about its feelings even if deep down it just wondered what it might be like to really let go and cry on another man’s shoulder. InBev still has the option of a hostile takeover by going straight to Anheuser-Busch’s shareholders which the company seems poorly positioned to defend unless it ends up being successful in convincing them that InBev’s true motive is to eventually replace the stars on the American flag with rainbows.

Apparently Anheuser-Busch has decided instead on reorganizing which entails $500 million in restructuring and some layoffs. If you ask me, they’re just taking the wheel and creating increased demand for their product by laying people off who will be depressed and then turn to drinking the poor-tasting yet affordable beverages they once helped construct. Maybe then they’ll be able to more objectively contemplate their role in this crime against the otherwise tasty chemical reaction between hops, yeast, sugar, & water .

According to the Wall Street Journal, this restructuring may include the sale of Anheuser-Busch’s theme parks which you may or may not have been to depending on the severity of the dysfunction in your upbringing. Perhaps if you have been to one, you were also taken to amusement parks owned by the roller-coaster and aquatic animal show-loving individuals at Phillip Morris or R.J. Reynolds. The New York Times reports the plan being mapped out by Anheuser-Bush may also result in Anheuser-Busch selling their packaging unit, but if shareholders take a vote the new map will also designate the return of the Southern Confederacy with the rest of the current continental United States being referred to as “Gayville”. When asked for comment, partially literate and long time Bud Light drinker Bill Moore said “Stella what? I don’t trust nothing that ends in t-w-a like that.”

At first, you may be thinking “Hey, I didn’t know American patriot and first governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, John Hancock, was black.” But, no, my friends, the movie Hancock does not chronicle the life of this historical figure/molasses smuggler. That’s probably ok cause if it were, it would air on the Hallmark Channel around July 4th or something and likely star Valerie Bertinelli as some sort of victim. The writers did, however, creatively give this character the exact same name because most people who will go see Hancock probably don’t have a significant grasp on American history or discerning tastes.
Hancock has a solid cast, starring Will Smith, Charlize Theron, and Jason Bateman’s hair which also features Jason Bateman. No, it is not Jason Bateman’s hair that is the superhero either, although I don’t completely understand why not. Will Smith  plays the main character of John Hancock in this film that is narrowly classified  in the Action, Comedy, Drama, and Fantasy genres. Apparently the writers haven’t met a cliche or a genre they didn’t like.

Here’s the basics…John Hancock is a super hero who tries to generally do the right thing, but whose antics end up having unfortunate side effects. He’s not the typical comic book superhero in that respect because those guys were always perfect, except for the ones that had ambiguous young male sidekicks in short shorts which no one questioned for some reason. I have not seen this movie, but from what I understand, Jason Bateman is not the ambiguous young male sidekick in short shorts to Hancock. At least he better not be cause then my opinion of his work on “The Hogan Family” will be adversely influenced.

Hancock seems to be applying his talents in a place that really needs the help. No, not embattled regions like Darfur, Iraq, or the strongholds of the Colombian rebel group FARC. Why would a superhero waste his time in places where the chicks are less plentiful and less hot? That would be un-American. Hancock is instead operating at large on the streets of Los Angeles where it’s like way easier to be a superhero if you know the right doctor. One day, Hancock saves Jason Bateman’s character, Ray Embrey (probably got called “Ray Embryo” in school), a busy PR executive. Busy PR executives in LA??? Why, how do they ever come up with such creative roles for these characters? Perhaps the sequel shall feature stock brokers from New York? Maybe ranchers in Texas? The oil fueling these creative fires must be enough to make OPEC  crap in their petroleum-exporting tighty-whiteys. Brilliant I tell you!!!

Upon saving Mr. Embrey, the two strike up a friendship at which time the softer, vulnerable side of Hancock is revealed. Awwwwwww. Wait, he’s a superhero with a human side too? What else could possibly be different about this enigmatic figure? He wears a beanie too? No way, man, that’s awesome cause beanies make a lot of sense in warm places like LA and they also make you tough, and a superhero would definitely need apparel to convey that!!! Capes and masks are so overdone, I mean that would have been totally obvious which doesn’t play in an engaging film like this. The complex twists add a variety of new elements to the film giving audiences the chance to connect with a figure that otherwise seems too obscure to find common ground with. But wait…Mr. Embrey’s hot wife played by Charlize Theron is skeptical of Hancock’s ability to change his well-intentioned but destructive ways. Uh-oh, I think there’s some arguments a-brewin’ there! Hope they don’t talk politics, haha! Throwing whales into the ocean will be nothing compared to overcoming such obstacles of the human experience. I have a feeling in the end, everything works out though.

It’s a lot to digest, I know. Such unique and cerebral plot lines are probably something that people without multiple advanced degrees from Ivy League institutions should steer clear of lest their true significance and meaning go un-pondered. Or you could take the introductory English class at your local junior college and obtain the skills to write a more creative, influential piece than Hancock even if it is a 30-second animated short about gravel. That, I at least might watch.

I give Hancock a -178 on my scale of infinity to infinity because I see nothing in it that hasn’t already been done, even if I really do like the people in the cast. One of the taglines is “There are heroes, there are superheroes, then there’s Hancock.” Well, there are movies, there are movies you might watch if you are in an Albanian hotel room and haven’t heard a word of English in three weeks, and then there’s Hancock.

Click here to watch the Hancock movie trailier 

Dear guy in seat 10E,

I will be the first to admit that this letter is not the best way to communicate with you. It is passive-aggressive and accomplishes only the soul-cleansing, satisfying sensation of putting down on paper what 4 rows of people on Flight 780 should have said to you.

What they, or better yet, a crew member should have said to you is “Sir, you really, really need to turn the music on your iPod down because we can all hear it, and it is making us angry.” I think you missed the lady two rows in front of you who kept turning around, trying in an indirect way to let you know that she could hear something and was looking for its source. You had none of this, however, adding it to the list of other things you have none of like style, portion control, or most importantly, consideration.

I can’t get that great of a look at you because you are somewhat hidden by the even larger woman in seat 10F. I am leaving an anonymous note to the flight crew that the armrests in seats 10E and 10F will need to be examined for stress damage as we speak.

Anyhow, I have decided to call you Daryl because that’s what you look like. So, Daryl, a man your age which I take to be mid-30’s should not under any circumstances have the songs that you have. If only you had explored diferent music genres as vigorously as you have explored the product offerings of the Wendy’s value meal. I know for a fact that you contribute to society less than you take from it. This is based on my deduction that you clearly cannot think for yourself because the Billboard top 10 does that for you. If you cannot come up with your own decisions on such a basic concept as music, I surmise that you have nothing to add to society, yet you exist and this requires resources leading society to a net loss as a result of your existence.

Dear Hipsters,

There are many things in this world that we wish were different. We wish that all fast food restaurants served breakfast past 10:30. We wish the government did a better job at coordinating organized beatings of people who wear a bluetooth headset while working out. We wish Geico would give us a Caveman commercial where they actually kill, cook and eat that terrible British-accented gecko they use in their other spots.

We also wished that you were smart enough to see the irony in belonging to an entire sub-culture that tries desperately to be anti-most types of culture (including, I hear, horticulture). Make no mistake, hipsters, you are mostly just silly and the only thing more asymmetric than your haircut is your confusion. I don’t quite know when your numbers grew to the levels of an actually identifiable group, but I do know that you look like a bunch of carnies with college degrees.

I am also trying to figure out how to ward you off. I have a feeling it involves talking about investment strategies, but another idea may be to wear t-shirts that say “I (picture of a heart) the modern history of the US military”. That would probably get you to stay away. Another idea I had is to convince society that only people who disapprove of hipsters should get pin-up girl tattoos. This way, every time you get one, you will be indicating that you disapprove of yourself and back in the old neighborhood we had a word for this, and that word was “moded”.

Put that issue of The Onion and your Lucky Strike down though cause there’s a couple things I do like about you:

• You ride bicycles which is not only better for the environment, but also increases your likelihood of being hit by a car and therefore largely out of sight for a while. Although, this does means I may have to see you in your hipstered-out wheelchair that you will put lots of stickers on and adorn with flags.
• You recycle pretty much everything because that helps you feel better than others. This is also good for the environment, and your recycling of bad, Ramones-inspired-but-less-cool fashion creates less demand for clothing that others like myself want to buy, putting downward pressure on prices. I take the savings and invest them in interest-bearing accounts, but you wouldn’t know anything about that.
• You shop at progressive grocery outlets featuring products from cooperative farms or local organic growers. It’s always good to support local businesses and make healthy decisions. I find it interesting, however, that before going there, you will check your iPhone to see if you got the email featuring coupons for said establishment so that you can support these people slightly less even though you have the discretionary income to pay for fancy accessories with expensive data plans.

There is much, much more that could be pointed out, like drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon is only really cool when it comes with a shot of Wild Turkey and costs $4.00, not when it is $6.00 and served at your friend’s “art show”/housewarming party at his live/work loft he shares with his ex-girlfriend who designs skateboard decks and knits flask holders in her spare time. You get my drift, hipster? Good, now roll that pant leg up, and ride off into the sunset cause I hear there’s an indy theater over there that is showing a director’s cut of Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro (1983).

Features:

• 1.6 or 1.8 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo Processor
• 2 GB RAM
• 80 GB Hard drive
• 13.3″ LED Display

Pros:

• Instantaneous admiration at most urban coffee shops
• Something to keep in those manila envelopes one doesn’t know what to do with
• Means to convey coolness with something carrying a larger Apple logo than other Apple accessories
• Offers immediate sense of self-righteousness and pseudo-progressive outlook
• Projects aura of creativity whether or not one possess any
• Doubles as really cool/gaudy place mat
• Fits in back pocket without interfering with chain wallet

Cons

• Takes a lot of them to build a fort
• Better for watching cartoon porn than regular porn
• Buying one equals fewer things to marvel at Apple store
• Macbook Air Jordans still delayed due to production issues
• Designed to reduce product lifetime by one day for every song played outside of indie rock genre
• Sense of pity felt & displayed for PC users becomes emotionally cumbersome